Who Still Isn't Convinced??
Topic: Month #2 / Week #5

Okay, it's only two hours into the second month - and, it's actually only the 29th day. But, if you go by the school of "four weeks in a month," then this is the first day of the second month.

If anyone out there is still on the fence, you really need to pick a side. Either you're not quite ready and you need to get a little more sick and miserable and desperate, or you're still not convinced that the Suboxone will work.

I understand the not being done with the Vicodin part. If it's still working, if it still takes your pain away , if it still makes you feel good then you may not be quite ready to say good-bye yet. It's like one of those relationships that you know is going to end - you're fighting more, you don't have as much fun, the sex is lousy (or nonexistent) - but, you're comfortable. You know what you'll be doing on the weekend, you have a bunch of friends in common, you're past that we're-not-human time where you pretend that you have no faults, flaws or bodily functions. Even when things are bad, at least they're predictable. It's scary to walk into the new and unknown.

But, if you're not sure about the Suboxone, I don't know what else to tell you. If you get a cavity filled you don't weigh the merits of Novocaine; when you have your appendix out you don't consider remaining wide-awake for the procedure; and when you get an "ow-ee" you don't turn down a kiss to "make it all better". There are all kinds of things we trust that will keep us from having to experience pain and discomfort. And to get off Vicodin or some other narcotic, Suboxone is the Novocaine/anesthesia/make-it-better-kiss.

If I told you that I won money every time I bought a lottery ticket at a particular 7-11, wouldn't you buy a ticket from that 7-11? Even if someone else said, "I don't believe it. No one can win every time. I'm not buying a ticket there because I don't trust that it's true." Would you actually agree with the other person and just walk away? You might be skeptical, you might think I'm full of crap, but wouldn't you buy a lottery ticket just in case I'm telling the truth?

Allright then - the odds that every ticket I bought was a winner are probably a billion times greater than the odds of just getting a winning ticket in the first place. But, even with those astronomical odds and your suspicion that I'm a pathological liar, it would be hard to resist the temptation to spend the dollar. Against all rational thought and better judgment, you'd buy the ticket because you'd rather lose the dollar than risk a sure-bet on a lottery ticket.

But, when it comes to the Suboxone, when there's a ton of legitimate medical evidence you can research and lots of other people are also saying that it works, you stand there scratching your head. Why? Isn't it worth it to at least try?

What if a month from today you could have your whole life handed back to you? Y'know, after the Novocaine and the anesthesia wear off, cavities and surgeries still hurt. And we let mom kiss our "ow-ees," but you know that eventually she's going to riiiiip!! that Sponge Bob band-aid right off our little knee - but we still go ahead with those things.

I am going to be weaned gently and slowly off the Suboxone when the time is right. I'm not going to feel a thing. I'm well past the point of physical withdrawals and I'm going to take teeniest baby steps allowed when I started reducing my dose. I know how easy this past month has been so I have no concerns about tapering off the Suboxone.

I tried getting off the Vicodin on my own and it was like having my mom rip off my band-aid and take half my tender little knee with it; but the Suboxone has been like getting a sweet kiss on the head and being rocked gently to sleep in her arms....and I much prefer the rocking to the ripping.

28 Days Later
Topic: 4th Week

I can't help but compare my perception of the passage of time now to what it was when I was using Vicodin. Today is Sunday, October 2. I took my last Vicodin four weeks ago today. I can't believe it's been that long since I've had any and I can't help but wonder how this month would have dragged if I'd gone cold-turkey.

I'd hope that by this time, even going cold-turkey, I'd be feeling closer to normal. But I don't think it would have been the virtual piece-of-cake the Suboxone made it. And, if I'd still been using all this time, I know how long this past month would have seemed. I think about the time I would have spent maintaining my supply and I know that these past 28 days would have been an absolute misery.

I have so much more energy and desire to do things now. But, I don't believe I would have had the energy to do the things I needed to do to get the amount of Vicodin I would have needed to survive for 28 days. That last weekend, Labor Day weekend, I was scarcely able to get what I needed to last until my appointment with Dr. Sub on Tuesday; and I didn't even need to take any on Monday. Girlfriend and I only needed to cover Saturday and Sunday and I was devastated at the thought of going out to find two day's worth.

I guess that people are right when they say you have to totally be at the end of your rope before you can quit. As long as I had what it took to keep getting more, I wasn't able to stop because I really didn't have to; I could still put the effort into getting the pills. But at the end, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I was no longer physically or emotionally capable of sustaining an adequate supply.

Even now with the drive and energy I feel to do other things, I don't think I could walk into an Urgent Care and convince a doctor that I was in enough pain to get him to write me a prescription. If you've ever done something physical to the point of exhaustion, you can understand how it felt. I couldn't swing the hammer or life the weight or run the next step.

But with physical exhaustion, you eventually recover and can go on. In fact, after a bit of a rest, you may grow stronger from the initial exertion and find that you can do even more than before. But with the Vicodin, it's the complete opposite. I feel like I not only exhausted the muscle, I damaged it. It's atrophied to the point of uselessness. I don't know that I'd ever be able to get it back - and I'm glad.

I'd been a little nervous that once I started feeling healthy and normal again, the sick, twisted Vicodin-craving part of my brain would kick in and try to convince me that I could handle it again. Thankfully though, I feel like that part of me is totally gone. That's not to say that the cravings have disappeared entirely. However, the connection between the craving and the willingness\ability to do anything about it has been severed.

Some Days Are Better Than Others
Topic: Week #4

Every time I write I want to be able to say that every day is better and easier than the last. But the truth is that there are ups and downs. For the past two days I've had pretty strong cravings in the evening.

Last night I was feeling particularly edgy and sketchy. Girlfriend and I have an agreement that we'll discuss it with each other if we ever feel that way. So last night I told her that I was really uncomfortable, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I told her that I felt like I needed to take another pill, but I'd already taken both doses for the day. We decided that it would be okay if I had just one more to even me out.

Had I not taken the 5th pill, would I have snuck out to an urgent care or gone to visit my neighbor with the Darvoset prescription? No. I was by no means in a situation where my only options were "take a Suboxone" or "go get something else." Getting something else is not an option for me...ever.

So tonight, when the cravings were back again I just dealt with them. I already felt guilty/scared about taking the extra pill the night before. It's not like I ruined my whole program or that Dr. Sub would kick me out, but I can't allow myself to get into a pattern where I give myself permission to take the pills to battle the cravings.

And the thing is that the cravings are so non-specific. I don't crave Vicodin or Suboxone. I can't really put my finger on it. I know it's not a Vicodin craving because I definitely know what that feels like. And I don't crave Suboxone because there's nothing about it to crave.

I accept and understand that this is just the beginning of my fourth week without Vicodin and I don't expect everything to be perfect yet. I just with I could pinpoint what sets me off and I be able to be able to describe the feeling. I feel like if I understood, I'd be able to fight it or avoid whatever trigger I must be pulling.

The part that's hard is knowing that I'm not craving Suboxone and that it makes the non-specific cravies go away. But, I can't just take one whenever the feeling hits because it reinforces the pattern of taking one to fight a specific problem/feeling.

I have to allow the medication to fight the cravings by keeping an even level in me. Maybe I need to take the second does later in the day to keep my levels up in the evening. But I don't want to take it between 5:00pm and 6:00pm because that feeds into my, "Get to go home and take pill" routine from the Vicodin.

The thing is that I am happy and well and still finding things daily that we wouldn't/couldn't have done because it cut into our pill time. This isn't some kind of foreshadowing, preparing for news of a Vicodin binge. But If I'm going to tell the story properly, I have to include everything. It would be nice if could say that after that first Suboxone every thought, feeling and craving went away - but that wouldn't be true or fair.

I took a lot of Vicodin for a long time and apparently it's going to be a while before my brain and body stop sending me signals that they WANTS. I guess this is the time when I get stronger and make sure they know I mean it when I say they CAN'T HAVE.

So Much Time Wasted
Topic: Week #3

Only now is it sinking in just how much time, how much of my life, Vicodin wasted. I knew that when I got on the Suboxone I wouldn't be running to FedEx all the time or hanging around the waiting rooms of various urgent cares; and I knew I'd be able to leave the house without a pocketful of pills. But I wasn't truly aware of how much everything had been centered around maintaining the supply.

Imagine that you're going hiking. Yes, if you're still using the pills, I know that's the last thing you can imagine, but it's the only analogy I can think of, so try to work with me here. You know that you'll be walking uphill with a 40-lb. pack on your back and that it won't be easy. The trip starts out okay, the pack is heavy, but you manage to keep up with everyone.

Soon however, you find that it's getting harder and harder to sling that cumbersome, heavy pack on your back every morning and make it to the next campsite with everyone else. Every night you're more tired and more sore than the day before; every day you find yourself struggling more and falling further back.

Finally, just when you thought you could no longer go on, you make it to the top of the mountain. You're exhausted, you're in pain and the thought of putting those straps over your shoulders one more time makes you want to cry. Then your friends confess: every night, while you were sleeping, they each put a little bit of their gear into your pack. Just little things, like a canteen or bottle of water, not enough to notice by itself; but the accumulation of stuff over the length of the hike has added a considerable amount of weight and bulk to your load. In the way of an apology, they offer to divide the contents of your pack among themselves and carry it all down for you.

Now imagine the trip back. Not only are you freed from the 40 pound pack you started with, but an additional 20 or 30 pounds that you weren't even aware of has been removed. You practically fly down the other side of the mountain. Just the day before, you'd been walking bent-backed, willing yourself just to take that next step, hating this trip and wishing you'd never agreed to make it. Now you're standing tall, the sun in your face, skipping lightly along the trail; free from the burden you'd taken on willingly and free from that which was unknown.

That's pretty much how I'm feeling now. I knew that we spend a lot of time getting Vicodin, tracking how much we had left and planning how to get more; but I was under the impression that, at least when we had some, we functioned fairly normally. Now, I think that having Vicodin only gave us the energy and ability to try to get more.

We were like shrews. Their metabolic rate is so high, they have to eat incessantly just to stay alive. They can starve to death if deprived of food for as little as half a day. Shrews literally live to eat and eat to live. We had to have Vicodin all the time and would get sick if deprived of it for just a day. All of our time, if not devoted to directly getting Vicodin, revolved around planning to get Vicodin. We were virtually living to get pills and getting pills so we'd feel like we could live.

AA Meetings
Topic: Week #3
Of course I didn't get a chance to get out here at lunch time today. I was so busy I just worked straight through the whole day. Now it's late again, not as late as last time, but I eventually have to start going to bed at a decent hour. This can't be good for me.

When we started the program, the Suboxone doctor (I'm just going to call him Dr. Sub from now on) said that he wanted us to go to some 12-Step meetings. He said that even though we were addicted to a narcotic he didn't want us going to Narcotics Anonymous (N/A) meetings be cause it's too easy to get drugs there. Who knew??! I wonder if that's also where you get the synthetic urine...

But, he also said that some of the people at the AA meetings are very hardline about the 'alcohol' part of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dr. Sub said we didn't have to do or say anything at the meetings, but if someone asked us, it might be better to say we're alcoholics.

When we saw Dr. Sub last Friday he asked if we'd been to any meetings yet and got on a a bit when we said 'No.' Girlfriend told him that we were going to try and find some meetings near work in the morning or at lunch, but he wasn't going for that. He wants us to have something to do in the evenings, other than going home and sitting on the couch. At this point, I would love nothing more than a good session in front of the TV; but, Dr. Sub is of the opinion that evenings with nothing to occupy one's time is a dangerous time.

Now, Dr. Sub is a nice guy and he's been great to us - very respectful and kind, not condescending or judgmental in the least. But he's also tough. He's got people wanting to get into his program and he won't hesitate to make room for them by removing anyone who doesn't want to follow his directions.

The way I have to look at it is to compare it with getting Vicodin. My FedEx office started waiting on the "door-tag" customers at 5:30PM. Yes, I would have much preferred to pick up the package in the morning before work or at lunch time, but that wasn't an option. So, did I ever say to FedEx, "Well, if I can't get pick it up in the morning or at lunch, then just forget it. I don't want it."??

HELL NO!!

If the people at FedEx said I had to be there at 3:30AM and that the wait was usually about an hour, I would have been there, standing patiently on line, not complaining or making a sound.

I would have done just about anything or gone just about anywhere to get that package; and I have to be willing to do the exact same thing to stay off the Vicodin. I was never too busy or too tired for the urgent care - well, I was, but I went anyway. So I guess I can't be too busy or too tired for AA, either; or, if I am, I have to go anyway.

I'm Still Here!
Topic: Week #3
Fairly recently, just over 16 days ago, I spent just about every minute that I wasn't working or sleeping, sitting on the couch watching TV. Now I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything done. I'm still a little confused about how this has happened.

I know we wouldn't make any plans unless we were sure of our supply. And we definitely couldn't make plans for too far out in the future. Now, I guess we're saying 'yes' to everything.

On top of that, work has been insane! We're supposed to leave at 4:00pm, but we've worked until at least 7:00pm for the past week. And, just to make things even more hectic, our Sub doctor wants us to go to AA meetings...at night, not the morning or lunchtime meetings.

He says that we're already engaged in an activity (work) in the morning and afternoon and he wants us to limit the amount of time we spend just sitting around the house. I guess that's a precarious situation for a lot of people because they get bored and start thinking about things...things like Vicodin.

Anyway, we went to our first AA meeting tonight and I want to write all about it. But, it's now 1:30am and I still have about 2 hours of work to finish up before I can go to bed. I'll to try fill in the details tomorrow during lunch. If I can't get to it at lunch, I'll do it after work. I mean, after work and the AA meeting at 5:30. Oh wait! That would be after work, the AA meeting at 5:30 and the Pampered Chef Party at 7:30.

Pampered Chef Party?!? I don't go to Pampered Chef Parties! I knew things would change when I stopped using the Vicodin, but this isn't just a change; this is like a transformation, or a metamorphosis. If I buy a Mini-Van and start showing up at PeeWee Soccer games, I'll know I've gone too far...especially since I don't have kids...

I have hurry and finish my work before the hallucinations from sleep-deprivation get too bad! More tomorrow!

Very Important - Taking Suboxone the Right Way
Topic: Week #2
Girlfriend and I went to the doctor on Monday and we go back again on Friday. Monday was our first drug test. When the nurse came into the exam room to give us the little bottles, I picked up my backpack and headed for the bathroom at the end of the hall. But before I could leave, the nurse stopped me and said I couldn't bring the backpack with me. Apparently, it's not unusual for people to sneak in a bottle of borrowed or synthetic (synthetic??) urine to use for the urinalysis. Such interesting things I've been learning...

Since we're now past the sickness phase, we're working on adjusting our dosage to take care of the cravings. When I first experienced the cravings, I was scared. Because I'm so happy and relieved not to have to take the Vicodin, I didn't think I'd feel cravings. How can I crave something I don't want?

The doctor says the cravings are another physical symptom. Just because I've made up my mind to stop using it doesn't mean that my body agrees. It's just along for the ride.

So we talked about how we'd been doing since we last met on the previous Thursday. We'd just gone through our first weekend since starting Suboxone and he'd told us in advance that that we might feel different. He was right. Although I had a fantastic time with my friends, I noticed the cravings more than I had during the week.

When he asked how I handled it, I told him that when it got to a point that it was bugging me, that's when I'd take my next dose. If I was still feeling it a little later, I'd take a half a pill. But that the most I'd taken in a single day was 3-1/2 pills. He understood what I was saying and why I had taken the pills that way, but that it in order for Suboxone to be effective in the long term, I couldn't take them like that.

He said that what I was doing was okay during the sickness days because taking a pill when I felt shaky or sweaty would ease those symptoms. The main reason people don't make it when they try to go cold-turkey is that the withdrawals send them running for the Vicodin. So when you start taking the pills (I think it's called the induction period) it's all about getting past that point. Now that we'd made it over that hump, we had to determine a therapeutic dose.

Using the Suboxone to get through the withdrawals was the easy part because I pretty much took it the same way I took Vicodin - only in much, much smaller quantities. Ideally he wanted us to use only three pills a day with a fourth pill allowed if we were crawling out of our skin. Using Suboxone to combat cravings is very different.

I'm assuming we're all alike in the way we took our Vicodin (or whatever was/it was you took/take). The first pills are taken soon after getting out of bed and, throughout the day as soon as you felt their effects being to diminish, you took more. We became accustomed physically and psychologically to eat pills every time we felt the slightest craving.

With Suboxone then, it's very important that you do not take it when you have cravings. While the narcotic in Suboxone is there specifically to alleviate cravings, you don't want to directly associate taking a Suboxone with eliminating those feelings. For Suboxone to be most effective, you need to maintain a consistent level of buprenorphine in your system.



This top picture shows my current dosage as an example of a therapeutic treatment. A single dose for me is two-8mg pills and I take this dose twice daily. Each triangle represents two pills, so the picture on top shows what I'd take in two days.

The black bar is my maintenance level (that's what I call it, I don't know what the medical term is). Each time I take a dose, the amount of buprenorphine in my system is elevated and I apparently experience a limited euphoria. I haven't experienced anything I'd call euphoric after taking a Suboxone, but it definitely makes me feel better when the craving starts.

The red bar shows what I was trying to achieve with Vicodin. As soon as I started on the downslope (blue arwow), when the effect began to wear off, I'd take more pills to try and get back to the peak. Before long I had to take more pills more often to reach that point. Eventually, I couldn't get back to that point and I was taking the pills just to feel normal.

The black bar, the maintenance level, is the point where I still feel normal on the Suboxone. I still feel some cravings, but not scary run-to-the-urgent-care cravings. Most of the time, it's more like just an awareness that it's there. The important thing is that I don't immediately take the the second dose of Suboxone as soon as I have the awareness. Doing that would reinforce the pattern I need to break: feel different = take a pill.

The bottom picture shows why taking Suboxone when you feel cravings doesn't work. If you take a pill and then maybe half a pill later to take the edge off, then a whole pill, etc., you can't reach a maintenance level. If you try to extend the number of pills you're allowed to take by using single pills and partial pills randomly throughout the day, you actually make your cravings worse. The effect of the buprenorphine is wearing off more quickly and the cravings return. Basically, you're taking the Suboxone as a substitute for Vicodin instead of a treatment for dependence.

If I take the Suboxone every 6 to 7 hours, I maintain a more consistent level of buprenorphine during the day. That's also helping me break the pattern of taking something at a certain time of day. As far as cravings go, the toughest part of my day is when it's time to go home from work. When I was taking the Vicodin, I'd bring some to work with me and purposely leave the rest at home to keep myself from eating my whole supply in one day.

But toward the end of the day, I lost all focus and concentration. All I could think about was getting home and getting more pills. I didn't even want to stop and put gas in my car before I got on the freeway. I'd take my chances with the needle hovering on "E" just to get to my pills as fast as I could.

Now I take my second dose about an hour before I leave work. That was I'm not feeding the habit of taking something as soon as I walk in the door. By the time I get home, I'm already on the downslope, but I've taken the pills recently enough that they're still going strong.

Now I'm beginning to see where all the confusion about switching one addition for another may be coming from. Used correctly, Suboxone does exactly what it's supposed to do, which is allow you to function normally without Vicodin. Your Suboxone dose is gradually reduced over a period of time and, during that time, you're finding ways to live a live without Vicodin and realizing that it's going to be alright. You're distancing yourself from the pills and from the patterns and triggers associated with them.

When I read about people becoming just as addicted to Subjoin as they were to Vicodin, I have to wonder if they're using it correctly. If they treat the Suboxone like Vicodin, I have to assume they're not really ready to stop. They may be tired of the expense, effort and withdrawals, but they still want to feel the effects of it; or, maybe they're doing it because of outside pressure (court-ordered detox/rehab, threats of divorce, fear of job loss, etc.) and wouldn't be using Suboxone if the choice were up to them. I think that if you're still trying to reach some kind of altered state, you're going to have a tough time.

I was ready to give it all up. There were times I tried to taper off Vicodin, but my intent was never to really stop. I just wanted to get to a place where I wouldn't have withdrawals and I could take fewer pills so my supply would last longer. I wasn't ready then, I wanted it both ways; I didn't want all of the bad things that went along with the Vicodin, but I still wanted the Vicodin.

I don't like the cravings, but I don't worry about them because it's not like I'm craving Vicodin-vicodin, it's just that awareness. At fisrt they surprised me and I was also actually a little offended. I was so done, so ready to quit, why were they coming after me? I guess I've trained my brain very well to not give up with out a fight.

That part is like the guy who doesn't know when it's time to leave the party. Apparently, the craving part in my brain can't take a hint, either.

Hope to Post Tomorrow
Topic: Notes and Updates

Talk about trading one addiction for another! I've been jonesing to get out here and add a new post, but I've just been too busy.

I don't think I was able to leave work on time all week. Then, by the time I get home, take care of stuff around the house, eat dinner, etc., It was already late. I've learned the hard way that I can accidently spend a lot of time in the message board and writing my posts here.

Time seems to slip away and before I know it, I'm looking at maybe four hours of sleep before work the next day (I get up at around 6:00 a.m.). I'm okay in the morning when I stay up like that, but in the afternoon I'm useless.

I need to set aside a few hours a couple of days a week to keep this up-to-date. I'm also going to upgade the service from the free one to the cheap one. I'm sure it had a lot features that the free one doesn't have, but I'm getting it because they don't put the ads on the paid subscription.

I usually go right into the part of the site where I can can post my updates. But the other day I went in through the front-end to see how it looks and I saw all of the ads for Detox and Recovery places.

I know that there are programs that just look for certain words to determine which ads to show on a site. But it still bugs me because the ads match the content so well, it gives the appearance that I approved the adds and/or gave them ad space.

I figure it won't be long before some on-line pharmacy shows up as an ad on my blog and I don't like the idea that that could happen

I'll try to get out here and get all caught up and up-to-date. Right now, I have to log off and go to bed. I'm to tired and I can't put a decent post together when I'm like this.

Defending Suboxone
Topic: Week #2
I started this journal after I signed up on a message board and found myself posting long, rambling messages every time I logged on. After keeping this secret for so long, everything wanted to come out at once. I’d never joined a message board before and I wasn’t sure if there was a posting etiquette about keeping messages short and to the point. So I was a little embarrassed every time I’d hit the “Post” button and my message would take up a page or more.

When I first started posting messages, I did it with the naive zeal of a person who’s found a miracle cure that everyone already knows about. Still, I relayed all the information from my doctor and posted things I’d about Suboxone on the manufacturer’s website. So I was surprised (shocked) at some of the responses I got and the things I read on other random messages. “Where were these people getting their information from?” I wondered. I found things that ranged from accepted myths to the truly bizarre to complete fabrications.

I always try to be polite in my posts because I think most people just repeat what they’ve heard and believe it to be true. I mean, how else would every person in this country know someone whose aunt’s best-friend’s next-door-neighbor’s hairstylist went to Tijuana and came home with a) a killer-spider filled cactus, b) a Chihuahua that turned out to be a giant sewer rat, c) one less kidney after meeting a charming stranger and waking up in an ice-filled bathtub at the Hotel de Rinon Robados.

I’m frustrated at making sure I submit factual posts in an effort to make good information available to people who have questions. I don’t claim to be an expert or have all the answers, but I’m confident that what I write is true. I am aware that on the message board I am just another post-er; none of us know who is behind what we read and it’s up to us to decide what we believe.

I suppose it’s my ego reacting when my messages are challenged, but I feel like I have to defend myself. But how do I defend against someone who’s convinced the pharmaceutical companies want us to be addicted to narcotics so they can get rich by having us end up on Suboxone for the rest of our lives? I’d already responded to a bunch of “Suboxone’s just another narcotic” and “Suboxone’s more addicting than heroin” messages. Now apparently Suboxone is part of a conspiracy to boost the bottom-line of the pharmaceutical companies.

I’m still going to post to the message board because I really believe in Suboxone and will continue to try and get the word out. Also, I guess the same ego that pushes me to defend my posts knows that if I leave the board and just focus on my blog, the anti-Suboxone people will think I fell off the wagon; and they’d be out there somewhere, all smug and self-righteous, believing they’d been right all along. But, more importantly, if the anti-Suboxone people think I’ve bailed on the program, the people who are seriously thinking about getting into a program might also think that I’ve given up. Not that I’d ever know, but I’d feel terrible if I disappeared from the board and one of the ready-to-call-a-doctor people thought, “Well, I guess it didn’t work for FreedaBee after all. Guess I’ll order some more Vicodin.”

I know that, aside from advocating Suboxone, my reasons for staying on the board may seem self-important. But of the two, caring what the anti-Sub people think of me feels more shallow. On the other hand, I’m giving myself a lot of credit if I believe a person who’s ready to get off the pills is actually going to give it all up because some anonymous post-er stopped posting.

Let’s just say that I will continue to post because I want to tell as many people as I can that Suboxone works. But since no one but Girlfriend and my doctor even know I’m on Suboxone, the only way for me to spread the word in through these anonymous forums. And, although I know I don’t have the power or influence to make a determined person change their mind; I think that maybe if a person is teetering on the edge of a decision, an example of hope and success might help them decide.

Finally, thanks to everyone who’s posted their comments. I’ve never done this before, so I was a little slow in figuring out how to get and respond to comments. I generally only look at the latest item I posted, so I didn’t see the (#) comments have been posted messages until yesterday. I fixed the settings, so now I’ll get an e-mail if there’s a new comment added. Now that I’m getting up to speed, I’ll respond to the comments ASAP.

I really appreciate your compliments and support. It’s humbling to read those nice things when I’m writing about such creepy and shameful stuff. It’s a relief not to be judged for what I did, but to be encouraged for what I’m doing. Thank you.

Day 10
Topic: Week #2

Girlfriend and I were trying to remember how long we'd been taking the Vicodin. We go back over significant events in our lives and try to remember if we were taking them at that time. And, if we were, did we just have a prescription that we took as directed, or had they already become a necessity? At some point, the balance shifted, but I can't recall exactly when. Probably because at the time, I wasn't completely aware that it had happened. I didn't just wake up one morning and think, "I can't leave the house without these." It creeps up on you and by the time you notice that taking the pills is no longer a choice, it's already too late to do anything.

If you stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon, you have to make a conscious decision if you're going to jump. Luckily, self-preservation kicks in and you back slowly away and decide that it would be a good idea not to get too close to the edge again. With the Vicodin, however, it was like mid-way down I looked around and thought, "Damn! I'm falling into the Grand Canyon!" Even though that's not where I wanted to be, it had already happened. I remember walking up to the edge and I realized when I was falling, I just can't pinpoint when I went over the side.

After the shift, when control now seemed out of reach, I found myself doing more and more things that I look back on and think, "There was a time, when I never would have imagined doing that." I didn't think about it while it was happening because I was able to justify my actions. When the desperation sets in, things that were previously out of the realm of possibility suddenly seem rational.

Today, Girlfriend and I had a major "I can't believe we did that!" moment. I had my first appointment with my regular doctor since getting starting the Suboxone. Since she was Vicodin source (in fact, she wrote my first prescription), I usually made and kept appointments with her only for the possibility of getting a prescription. But I did need refills on my sinus medicine, so I went.

I had already decided I wasn't going to mention the Vicodin. I figured if I didn't bring it up, maybe she wouldn't, either. And if she did, I'd just tell her I didn?t need any. I am in no way ready yet to tell her the truth, so the best I could do was avoid the subject. Since the reason I started going to her was for what I originally needed the Vicodin, I don?t know why I thought she wouldn?t bring it up. But, I?ve become more optimistic in the past 10 days, so I was hoping for the best.

Of course she asked about it. So I told her that I was doing fine, that I?d had I good spell and hadn?t even taken any Vicodin for over a week (which is true). I said that I?d just been using Aleve and it was working and I?d rather just get some Naproxen (prescription strength Aleve). I told her it was more convenient to take one Naproxen than the number of Aleve I need to equal the prescription strength.

Then she asked how much Vicodin I had left and I told her none. Based on how she wants me to take it (she gave me Vicodin HP, 10/660, and wanted me to take no more than - this is not a typo - 15 a month!), I should have still had some left from my last refill. I got the little raised eyebrow at that, so I said, "Since the Aleve is working for me, I really don?t think I have ‘Vicodin HP? pain. I think I have pain that the Vicodin doesn?t work on anymore because I?ve been taking it for too long. If the Aleve works better for me now, I?d rather just take that."

So she?s writing in my chart and doing the doctor, "Mmm-hmmm," thing while I?m talking and then she hands me the prescriptions for the Naproxen and my sinus stuff and says, "I wrote you one for the Vicodin and the Tramadol anyway. So if the Naproxen ever doesn?t work, try the Tramadol and if that doesn?t do it then you can take a Vicodin."

I was dumbstruck. How many times had I gone to doctors looking for Vicodin and walked out with a prescription for Naproxen – or nothing. Now I just finished telling my doctor that I didn?t want it, that it wasn?t working, and not only does she give it to me anyway, she writes a prescription for 30 pills and gives me a refill! I didn?t want to freak out, like I?m a vampire being handed a crucifix, but I also didn?t want that prescription. I didn't have any thoughts or fears of filling it, I just wanted to go to the doctor and, for once, not walk out with a Vicodin prescription.

I immediately called Girlfriend when I got in the car and she was just as amazed. We see the same doctor and not only did the doctor only give Girlfriend the 7.5s, she would only give her 15 at a time. She might give her 3 refills, but that was supposed to last for four months! (Obviously, this doctor was never our main source.) Girlfriend had to work it just to get the 15 and the doctor hands me 30 and a refill when I tell her I don?t want any.

After I got back from the doctor, Girlfriend and I did a little cathartic exercise. We sat together with the prescription and she tore it in half. What just two-weeks ago would have been to us a precious document, to be protected and delivered quickly and carefully to the nearest pharmacy, was now a useless scrap of paper. We took turns tearing it and tearing it until it was a little pile of confetti.

When I said it was a big "I can?t believe I did that!" moment, I wasn?t kidding. I used to leave the doctor's office and head for the nearest pharmacy, like Charlie Bucket racing home with the Golden Ticket. This time, though, I didn?t even think about going to the pharmacy until I was writing this post and remembered that I have to get my other prescriptions filled.

Tearing up the prescription wasn?t hard. It wasn?t like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and having to force myself to step away. We didn?t feel all brave and heroic, as though we were doing something that we really didn?t want to do. We wanted to do it; it was exciting to know that now ripping up a Vicodin prescription is no different than ripping up an old grocery list. It?s like suddenly finding out you have Super Powers. Not too long ago, finding out I could fly or become invisible would have seemed more plausible..."Don?t be ridiculous! No one can tear up a Vicodin prescription! Don't you realize they're written on paper?!? Impossible!"

So, it was more than just, "I can?t believe I did that!" It was actually, "I can?t believe I did that and it was so easy."